Looking for a house in the town I live in

Starting to have a love-hate relationship with this town.
After a year of looking for a home to buy-

New ad:

Looking for a home in [fill in town here]?

“Ask me first. Chances are I’ve had an offer on that house, since I’m single-handedly trying to see how many home inspections I can pay for in one summer.”

They will all fail, by the way.

Finding a house in this small 2.07 square miles has become quite a challenge.

Having a thorough inspector has probably saved us thousands–

But also broken my heart into pieces each time.

I get my hopes up- to be continually let down.

With our meager budget– we mostly bear the cost of “location”, while inheriting faulty foundations and rodent infestations.

Oh, don’t get me wrong. I love the idea of hundred year old homes- the history, the charm. We call those “Emily houses.” You know one when you see it.

I don’t expect you to get it.
When I was 18 I moved to the East Coast on my own to be close to the ocean.

I got closer and closer, eventually making my way up the coast to Long Island, a few blocks from the sea.

So you see, this need I have to be close to the water is not new.

I have spent my whole life trying to get closer to salt-air.

The moment we drove to the end of Union Avenue, I felt like I belonged here. I looked up and said, “yes, I belong in a house up there, overlooking the Sound.”

end of the block

Well that hasn’t happened yet, but I will not admit defeat.

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A year

It’s been one year.

I still think of you all the time.

So many things remind me of you.

There have been many instances when I have gone to call you out of reflex,

And it feels like you’re still here, but you are not.

For every important moment in my life, you were there.

Your constant support and belief in me since I was a little girl, shaped the person I became. Sometimes you believed in me more than I did myself.

Sometimes I dream that we are talking on the phone like we used to- I hear your voice. It sounds the same. Those are the nights when you talk to me in my dreams.

All of those memories I have packed away in my heart. I bring them out sometimes.

But it still hurts alot.

It makes me not want to go back there,

And maybe if I don’t ever go back it will be like you’re still there, or at least I can pretend anyway.



[It has been longer than one year since I began this post about my grandmother’s death.]


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Home Again

The curtain lifts to a sea of camouflage. Boots. Legs. Faces.

june 2015 350

But I can’t find you.

We walk down the center of the room…letting you find us.

There you are.

Slow motion. Can’t get there fast enough. This moment suspended in time. Everyone else disappears.

Strong arms that hold tightly.


Moments before, our little angel face bursts into tears. Waiting. She could wait no longer to see her daddy.


No one knows the days, the hours, the seconds, the moments missed without you like we do. Missing a piece of ourselves.


But now you are home. We are whole again.

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Pacific Beach

Beach for miles

and the quiet of no people.

The kind of solitude that almost makes me like the West Coast better.

pb 3

my beach baby

A little fog lifts off the sea and floats in and back out again.

If you give it time, the sun will peak through, I promise.

We walk in the sand and find sand dollars at our feet.

What is it that makes me want to stay here all day,

and forever.

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Party Planner Extraordinaire

I started writing this blog post last night. After I woke up this morning, I realized I could probably dedicate an entire blog just to the parties I have done. Truthfully, it’s not only parties, but simply creating: school projects, gifts, house decor.... I am a crafter, I suppose. There, I said it. Even though I do not think it is an actual word.

Lots of people have told me I should be a party planner. It’s true, I’ve planned & organised quite a few events. Usually for family or close friends. It is a process I go through. Something I delve into and enjoy; crafting and creating special touches dedicated to a theme or person. I’m afraid that getting paid for it might take some of the magic away. I would have to do what they wanted and not what I want.

It very much a personal experience for me, which I tend to pour myself into. As a details person, I take the time to add in things that often go unnoticed by many. This is another reason why I am careful when I take on a project. If I do not think I have the proper time to invest, or some other issue- it will not turn out the way I want, which is usually amazing and special somehow. Oh, and I am a perfectionistworkingonnotbeing one.

I find inspiration in many places. Pinterest is ideal. I often use an idea, reinvent it, and put my own creative stamp on it. Most of the time, I find inspiration from the very person I am doing the party for. A perfect example is one of my first baby showers. It was for one of my sisters. Elvis was the theme, and she had no idea. This had special meaning to us, as we love Elvis, and had taken an all-girl road trip to Graceland. Some of my favorite details included: records hanging from the ceiling with song titles like: Little Sister, Teddy Bear, and Elvis cut-out’s as centerpieces. I had SO much fun doing this one!


Every now and then I have had successful collaborations with like-minded partners that just get me and my ideas. Now that is a wonderful feeling! Those people totally know who they are. We have even joked about going into business together as party planners! Ideas are shared, as well as the workload=prime combination. This just happened. It was a student tea-party on behalf of the PTA. It was so good that it inspired me to write this blog post, and really got me thinking about all the events I have done.

tea party sneak peek

This was also when I realized that I couldn’t just write one blog post dedicated to all of my favorite parties. There are too many things to share about what I loved at each one! Too many ideas, too much inspiration…and then, since our children came into the picture, birthday parties have taken on a life of their own each year! I mean, there have been Ninjago parties with fake candy sushi, or FU-shi, Skylanders with paper Skylander head’s…(sounds weird, but totally cool!), and tons of princess parties. One year- we even had an actual buried treasure chest for a pirate themed birthday- how can I NOT share that????

So I’m not quite sure how I’m going to do this yet, but it also got me writing with a big smile on my face. I guess you will just have to wait and see what the outcome is!

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A Lesson In Stength

I cannot help but feel the interconnection of my life sometimes.

Never on this side before.

I have watched from the airplane window as a family stood on the tarmac,

Flag draping a casket, as it is unloaded.

Awestruck, everyone stops in the somber moment to pay tribute.

Strange to see that plane in the background now, a much different perspective.

Captain Wynkoop

How to even find words when a loss is so great.

A loss that could happen to any of us.

Emotion, solidarity, and empathy make me write.

When a soldier deploys we somewhat know that they may be in harms way.

The potential is there for something bad to happen.

Of course, it does not make you any more prepared.

But bad things happen all the time, and yes, even during training missions.

I spend my time avoiding thoughts like these.

It can drive a person mad worrying about a great many “what if’s”,

But what if–

It was you this time,

And you awakened to the sad news.

You were now alone,

Left to raise your family alone.

What do you say to your babies,

What would you do,

When everyone is gone.

Replay those last words you had with your loved one.

Think of your final moments together.

Forever repeat the memories in your mind.

Wonder if just one thing might have made something happen differently,

Wish to reverse time.

I could only hope to find the strength I have witnessed in a heroic woman,

To persevere, to shine with courage, and to honor, as she has.

I am awestruck by her.

Dedicated to a sweet friend when there are no words.  NOTE: I did not take this photo. I was not there, but I felt very inspired when I saw it.

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**Sid Vicious version:

“Regrets, I’ve had a few, but then again, too few to mention…”

It’s true. I’ve done a great many things, but I do have regrets.

Oh, there are lots of small ones which all seem to lead to the same thing: time wasted. Time wasted on the wrong relationships, the wrong job. Worrying about trivial things: What everyone else thinks, how fat I WASN’T, who likes me or doesn’t. Who cares! If I could have a conversation with 18 or 19 year old Emily…What I wouldn’t say to her!

My greatest regret though is not having completed college right after high school. Which leads me to where I am today, a returning adult student.

It feels a little ridiculous in some ways. I’ve had one career already. Am I too old to start an entirely new one. Is it too late to decide what I want to be when I grow up. The truth is, it seems like it has taken me this long to figure it out. And of course, I have changed my mind more than a few times.

Each choice I’ve made, each path I’ve taken has led me to where I am today. Doing it any differently may have risked fate turning out another way.

So here I am finally finishing the degree I started. And once I’ve made up my mind do to something, move on, or let go (and I’ve learned that I can do anything I put my mind to!), I’m pretty good about accomplishing goals I set. Some things just take longer than others.

Regrets of yesterday are nothing more than the goals of tomorrow.

Welcome back to late nights pumped full of coffee.


**** I did finally graduate in2016 with my Bachelors degree, and Cum Laude!





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